grudges

why do we hold grudges?
they don't make us happy
they don't make anyone around us happy either
so why hold them?
because we hurt inside?
because we don't have anyone to be happy?
to be miserable just like us?
or do we just want someone to notice us
help us in some way other than pats on the back?
do we just want a hug and someone to talk to us?
to make the pain go away?
why do we hold grudges?
it makes the hole in our hearts grow bigger and blacker
what can we do to make them go away
and fill this empty hole in our hearts?

[sigh]

i have no bloody idea what i'm doing again.
why must this happen to me, i don't like the unpredictable. =(
again, i am troubled with the affections of another and i have no idea what i'm going to do
others have told me to go with the flow, like always, but i have no idea what i'm going to do ><
[sigh]

anywhoodles. happy holidays ^^

[breathe]

i don't know why i feel so betrayed, it's just a simple act and then i feel like this. my heart clenched and i could not breathe. i don't know what is happening to me and i don't think i can stop it. where are these feelings coming from? negative thoughts are resurfacing again and i don't think i can stop them. i don't want them to resurface and relive these feelings of despair. i don't want to not breathe and have my tears threaten to come up but they won't fall. perhaps that is why my eyes hurt so much because of all the tears i have yet to cry. perhaps that is why i never wake up feeling relieved and painless and refreshed. perhaps that is why i am returning back to my old ways. it is not a vice that threatens my physical health but my mental health. but it's the only way i know.
at least there i can breathe and my heart will slowly unclench. memories will pop in and out and i will relive despair but it won't hurt as much. i wish i could let go of the pain but it is a part of me. one of these days i will explode. i don't wish for it to come any time soon but it will if i keep this up. and perhaps i will since i have no other outlet. my outlets seem to disappear on me and there is no way of reaching them anymore when i am in the time of need. sometimes i can't even bring myself to says what is really bothering me. it's not much of a trust issue it's more of a shame issue. i fear to open up and show what i am truly feeling in fear of being weak. but i know that is bullshit but i can't help the way i think. everyone has their weaknesses but sometimes i fear to admit mine. i know what they are but i don't want to acknowledge them. but who knows now that i am in this state of mind. who knows what will happen next.
perhaps i do but there are always external influences that will alter my mental state.

not quite in a stable position right now
but people wouldn't know unless they read this and not many people or if anyone at all reads this. and i won't say anything because tears will threaten to pool but not fall

-fate heart and soul-

I played with the heart of the feelings within
I wish I can run away but my feet are glued to the ground
from the souls I have questioned
I was distracted by the heavy heads
mistaken by the eyes of fate
they will come upon me
fire burning bright in their eyes
justice on their minds
even though it is a crime
they will come crashing down upon me
righting what they think is wrong
hundreds upon thousands will fall upon me
hundreds upon millions will feel the effect of the gravity of their message
consequences will not enter their minds
rage and beserked hearts have no questions for doubt
blood pumping into muscles throb
vocal cords strain at each war cry
distant at first coming close with each step
anticipation and fear trickle down my back
carving lines for rivers along my spine
wait for the beats of their drums as they mingle with the stomping feet and hooves
I, rooted to the earth, have no weapon in hand
just the clothes on my back
no armor just think clothes protecting me only from the deadly rays of the sun
it soaks in the rivers from my pores
clinging to my skin and let the cold winds caress my air
they know where to find me since they come from all directions
crossing through oceans and deserts to get to where I am now
in the middle of open spaces
the grass blows against my legs
weeds prick my skin but still I do not move
there is nowhere to go
no place for me to stay
they will not rest until they complete their quest
they will not cool off until my life coats their hands
until my blood soaks the earth
they will not stop until I am no longer of this earth
not one of my existence will survive the aftermath of my death
not one thing I ever was will flicker in the open
not to leave one trace of me
they will come with their heads held high and their eyes so sharp
they will make me feel what they have felt when I questioned their soul
they will torture my existence until their eyes fill with job
until they grow mad with revenge
blood thirsty lots that they are
they will come down upon me until their fury pierce thorugh my body
riddling it with holes until there was just one great one that will grow into nothing
they will tear at my skin and pull at my hair
each and every one of them wanting a piece of me
they will jerk out my heart and hold it up high for all to see
see how the feelings of life leak from this heart
a symbol of how I messed with their heart and now they will mess with mine
they will place it in a cage
and hang it from a pole
parading from sea to sea
to show off their victory
on a person such as me
they will cover the cage with cement
toss it into the dead sea
so that my soul will never find my heart
so I will wander the realm of the spirits never to resurrect again
that is what they hope
their feets approach mine now
crashing hundreds upon thousands on me
war cries clog my ears
raged filled eyes cloud mine
they do to me what they will
they will cry out their reason to justify their plight
my heart sinks into the sea
but I am not dead
for someone will find me
my heart and soul will meet again
a heart without a soul has no meaning
they need each other in order to live on in the world
fate will join us again to rectify her folly
we will not be as foolish as we once were
we will learn from our mistakes
and we will walk the earth again

sometimes

sometimes i don't feel like trying anymore
this is one of those times
and i don't think i can try anymore
i feel like giving up

-reach-

reach for the heavens
the tips of fingers caress the clouds
hopeful for the days to come
for a better life and a bigger heart
wish for the probable
some the impossible
wish to be given and yet taken
happy thoughts mournful thoughts
filter up to the heavens
mixing into one

reach for the heavens
to be given salvation
blasphemy spew out the mouth
why have you forsaken me
what have i done to deserve this
wanting help hoping hard
needing a miracle
some given some none
tears of joy splash the face
eyes of fury clench the fist
bursting heart empty hole blank hands

reach for the heavens
for what you believe

-the world-

the sun filters through
the fire blown glass
rainbows caress the still waters
but something moves underneath
movement from tails cause a stir
circling around the unblue world
without a final destination
without any place to call home
no place to stay and rest
to travel around afar
but to circle the nothingness of the water
that the moon filters into
not to cause the tides to rise
or for the flowers to bloom

-new life-

a man and a woman become one
giving birth to none
tries a go at artificial life
giving pleasure to the wife
holding the ungrowing baby near
watching it get some repairs
growing limbs and knowledgeable mind
to help the growth of mankind
giving pleasure to the wife
creating a new life

-lily-

lily lays still floating in the water
her white skin blinding by the sun
blush of green holding her lightly
the musk of her scent giving a light perfume
luring in the takers into her nest
burrowing into her folds while taking her essence
but leaves a tiny trace behind
spreading her essence into others
the winds caress her skin
intrudes into her folds
mixing the two within
takes it away into the air
anxiously she waits
for this to happen once more

-strings-

altering meanings
wandering strings
embrace each other
refute all else
follow through
step by step
prove each other wrong
prove others right
spread knowledge
through the world
sharing everything
with everyone
until new strings
come into being
proving each other wrong
proving others right

-waiting-

what am i waiting for
to rise up from the oceans
to rise up from the flames
to embrace me tightly
never to let go
wrap its arms around me
and give me a warm place
to seek me in the darkness
and wash away my pain
burn a tiny light
while i slumber
to the soothing waves

trust?

how can i trust anyone when i can't believe their words?
it's been two months and they still didn't complete their promise
how am i to trust them now?
or believe anything that they say?

-sink-

sink

into the depths

of turbulent waters

of the open oceans that parts

the differences

of the continents

in the worlds

sink

into the depths

of the warm fleshes

of caring bodies
that flows

with the bloods

of given lives

sink

into the depths

of the giving folds

of crumpled bed sheets
that embraces

while your eyes

fall into slumbering hands

sink

into the feelings

of sinking

and let yourself...

ye gods

what am i going to do with people that place a burden upon me that i don't want?
sometimes i think my head will explode if i ponder on it for too long.
and then some of the time there is nothing else to ponder about since my emotions are all over the place
ye gods
kill me now - quick and painless and not a mess. nobody wants to clean that up

-little things-

little things give
you away from

the small things
you don't

see in me
how i wish

this could
be a dream

but in truth
this is not

and how i
wish you were

with me this
instant instead of

traveling through distances
between the sea

that travels through
me and not

the distance
you wish it

not travel far
but close to

my heart
but how can

you see it
when you

don't see me

=[

i'm feeling a bit hurt
i wonder when it will pass

=(

geez.
it's the end of the world!
ye gods.
no motivation to do anything anymore
falling behind, not focusing


weeeeee
it's the end of the world! XD
just kidding

reform

reform. it is something we should all do
not everyone is perfect but not all the same people have different flaws
and yet there are different ways to fix them
if not to forget them
life changes all the time
and there is no way it will remain the same
evern through certain eyes there is something new or goes unnoticed
even though the same routine happens there are different ways to approach the errands that happen in life
change happens even though we fear it
we may abhor it but it happens nonetheless
we must reform ourselves to fit into the change or we are left out in the distance and forgotten

<3

the numbness of my heart
makes my chest feel light yet heavy at the same time
there is just empty space there
where this organ once beated
there are slight times when i feel something there
but many times it feels half dead
my face may show things
but i feel dead inside
there is an emptiness that cannot be filled
since there is no longer anything there

liars

what the point if you keep on lying?
i mean you lie so much that people don't know what to believe now
it's basically the boy who cried wolf

how am i to believe you when all the time you're lying
if you didn't lie then i would have shown up earlier
but you lied so i showed up late
and you didn't need me at all

i don't think i'm ever going to believe you words

grateful

be grateful for the littlest things
if they were to go away it would be too late for regret - for sorrow
for any agony at all
be grateful for the littlest things
before they disappear now
hold them close to your heart and wish they never part
cherish them until it is their time to go
'til darkness closes over and embraces them all
botching all life that continues
be grateful for the littlest things
let them rain upon your skin and sink into your pores
let them travel through your system and drive their own way home
let them reside in you and take control until their juices run out and dry
be grateful for whatever you need to be grateful for
pity the ungrateful but do not scorn
be grateful for the littlest things
before time runs down

monster

The face of the monster appears straight in front of me. Its tongue lolling out while bits of drool creeps down the side of its mouth. Green flesh against the darkness yet it is day outside. Beady yellow eyes gleam at me, leading me to a place of the unknown. Its head floats before me, its horns glistening from the rays of the sun creating a rainbow pattern upon my forehead, and yet I do not know why I trail behind, only the sweat of the sun trickles down my back causing me to shiver from the slight breeze that forced its way through the cracks of the broken walls. The face of the monster turns away from me and I am left to stare at the empty hall. Full of light from natural yet artificial light form above and from the sides. Gone are the colors that I once saw and I see nothing but black and white. I turn back slowly from whatever direction the face had gone and see that it is just the same. The same yellow eyes looking at me knowingly. Its expression full of mystery and yet it is familiar. I took the chance to escape as its gaze is captured by a bug flitting through the air. I ran through the never-ending hall, flinching at the crumbling cracks and turn back to see the monster entering doors that lead to the depths of whence it came.
I exit the crumbling hall to be embraced by the crowd.
Become one with the all and yet I am my own person with thoughts of another kind
In a world with the making of my own mind

burden ?

what good am i when i can't lend a hand. what's the point of holding onto a burden when you can share it and have it lightened rather than held deep in your heart filled with resentment that grows with time? what's with beating yourself up and not speaking out when it hurts you even more?
ah. what's with these lame questions that has no answer to?

burdens are to be shared
if not share then they eat you inside out
it shows with time no matter how hard you try and hide
there's no need for any bs about having to burden other people with problems
because that's what they are there for
what's the point in bottling it up inside
when it only hurts even more

[sigh]
the troublesome of it all

to share or to hide
to let it eat you up inside
'til there is nothing left
but emptiness
and onto a path with no return
unless you yearn for the hope
that will set you right

stinkin' bosses!!!

freakin' bosses took the freakin' day off just to go to the freakin' casino!
of all days!!! wasn't even supposed to work on a bloody wednesday until they called me the night before.... =_=ll mother truckers!!!

now i'm up late at night doing my homework. homework i could have been doing on a wednesday afternoon instead of a wednesday night thursday morning.
huzzah

silent stars

see how the stars glisten in the moonlight
the soft sounds of silence
captured by the sleeping ear
tossing and turning but not disturbed

the sun peaks in the distance
but kept at bay by the hands of time
see how the rays of light escape
breaking through
reflecting against each other
pushing
shoving
gently coaxing
intertwining with one another
caressing
yet tickling
to be let through
to shield the stars from unwanted probes

probes of the unnatural eyes
invading spaces that were never seen before
traveling distances without wasting time
to take down the various locations
the new births
the empty holes of nothingness
the exploding stars that shine in the darkness
the darkness in the depths of the black sea
emitting rays to awaken the slumbering ear

ears that coax the eyes that see
to open once again to a new time
time starting slowly but progressing gradually then rapidly
exploding with new information from all around
filled with ground breaking noise
death defying feats
predators and prey
decay of flesh
regenerating slowly or falling off into the ground
leaving trails of dust wherever they fall
encompassing lands of the unknown

cries of joy, pain, pleasure, sadness
enveloping all during a new beginning
shielding no secrets from any senses
mind blowing colors coming from all directions
leaving no prey untouched
scents from different sources attack the nostrils
masking scents of the soiled
masking scents of the unwanted
drenching flesh until eyes water
washing down into the pool of dirtied water
circling slowly down the drain

until time slows to a stand still
night falls
the moon rises and the shield is lifted
exposing all the stars to the natural eye
seeing through space and time
covering all in slumber and silence

slumber

falling into slumber -- darkness
surrounded by light
everything going up but one
floating through time to an unknown destination
wind swirling but never slowing
battling against each other without stopping
caught in the middle
drifting through time and space
witnessing scenes from the unseen
interjecting without words
voiceless shouts calls murmurs
reaching out to embrace
but waking up, grasping air

poetics

to observe is to breathe with the eyes
to write is to capture what i really see
random thoughts at random times
taking sides without a fact
whatever emotion strikes influences the words i breathe
randomly written down or forgotten without thinking
life has its up and downs
but what i breathe seems to remain the same

bloody hell

what a bloody fool i made out of myself.
and all over what exactly?
nothing really if you think about it.
nothing at all if you really look at it.
bloody misunderstandings and hurt feelings
why can't we push them to the side and say how we truly feel?
rather than beating about the bush and speaking in riddles?

why must everything be so difficult when it doesn't have to be?

so cute, i saw this little boy and his father on a motorcycle
kid was hanging on for dear life. haha jk.
at the store the father said "show them how you hang on"
and the kid, shy at first, just hugged the back of his father really tight
=3 so cute XD

meteor shower ='[

how i wish i had to luxury of going to an open space and staring at the sky
[sigh]
if only i can stay up 'til 430 and stare at the skies without a worry

=_=

life seems to be at a stand still
i have no idea what i want or what to do
it seems so routine now, i'm working with a schedule now
keeping track of where to go and what to do
am i striving towards a goal?

but yea, i'm going to die this semester.
reading overload!
huzzah!

@_@

i don't know whether to feel relieved or disappointed
being kept in the dark about things and left behind
kept from the truth
i really don't know how to feel about this
but i guess it's for the best
as long as i don't need to know anymore
[sigh]
but it really is a downer

=[

striving towards the future with no goal intended
makes me wonder what i'm going to do with my life
makes me rather depressed that i have no actual goal
i mean sure i would like to finish college but what about after that? what am i going to do with my major? or if i'm going to do anything at all. which makes me wonder most of the time.
it's easier to worry about the present than pondering on the future.
rather sad that it can never be that easy. because the present becomes the future and where am i left?

=(

i'm disappointed in myself for feeling this way
i thought i was fine but i was lying to myself
if only i can sever all ties

-------------------

life is short
but limiting yourself makes it even shorter

=)

today was my last day a t volunteer
kind of sad, but not so much.
so many people have left and so many people have signed up
i'm gonna miss that place =(
but i'm not going to miss the weirdos that frequent the place =/

good times

troubled

i should be relieved but i'm not
i don't want to feel this way but i can't help it
really, nothing is going to plan, not that i had a plan in the first place

no one said it was going to be easy but i wish it was
so i don't have to feel this way or contemplate on these bloody matters
but they rack my mind and over take it

[sigh]
if only . . .

disappointed

[sigh]
nothing turned out like i hoped it would. i waited and nothing happened.
why did i expect things to happen when i know they wouldn't have given the nature of the other person
why did i even bother

i'm disappointed in that person and myself for waiting
and for not speaking out.
that's the problem. [sigh]
everything seems so troublesome
maybe i ought to just quit

ocean ave

ever since middle school i had a nice memory of ocean avenue. i would know where all the stores are and which ones have changed and which ones have not. but today it has all changed. all the fond memories at certain stores are a little depressing because those stores aren't there any more.
i can't go back to the past and i cannot revisit because they are no longer there
it brought me a little bit down today
the sad ness of it all

woot~ a poem!

can't take any steps forward
too late to take any steps back
i'm stuck in the middle
with nowhere to go
what am i to do now
where am i to turn
you won't listen
when i try to speak
there's no way to reach you
no way to get through
i fear for me and you
what's going to happen
i'm not certain anymore
when i can't take any more steps
to go back or towards to future
i'm stuck in the middle
without a path to take
i'm stuck in the middle
without a guiding light

????

where do i go from here?
where do we go from here?

am i ready to take that step again?
or should i just wait a while?

[sigh]

i feel broken
where it can't be fixed
there's a big fat gapping hole
where it used to exist

my heart subducted and took me along with it
burned me into tiny pieces
until there is none of me left
no more to feel
no more to give

good times

-_-

why must i be the strong one, i can't always help when you're down in the dumps. having all these burdens upon me are really hard on my body and mind. why can't you just look at your own problems and deal with them on your own? you have your own mind and can make your choices, so do something about them.
don't just complain and just sit there without fighting to live your life the way you want.

i don't want to be a rug any more -_-;

situations

i'm thinking the best way to deal with them is to keep my mouth shut. that way i don't have to deal with questions later. if i do help out . . most of the time my advice is wrong so there's no point in adding my two cents.
i guess i'm running away if you look at it that way
which is rather sad
but it's not like i did anything like what i said earlier before
most of the time i would just stand around like a piece o rice
which is also sad by itself

=)

it's just the littlest things that get me
that make me happy
and then the bombs that burst them into smithereens
and make them into a pounding head ache
but the memories still lasts

hm

sometimes i fear i cannot breathe
and sometimes i can't
and then i panic
and i make my own heart skip a beat

jury summons

do they hand deliver jury duty letters just so people can no longer have the excuse of i never got it in the mail
and for those people who do say that. - they get caught!
so funny

i only know because there was some lady walking door to door putting letters into the mailboxes
i got into my house before she got to mine and lo and behold.
the letter of summoning
with my name on it
just ... great
=)

small talk?

small talk under pressure isn't real small talk at all
it's more like a
-hi, how are you?
-i'm good good, how are you?
-i'm fine. um yea
-that's good
-okay...
-okay.
[silence]

other people would go on more about the weather or some problem they ran into
but forced small talk always ends in silence
troublesome

or maybe it's just me =)

blue?

just feeling blue today for some reason.
okay for some reason i dare not disclose
it's not a bad thing but it's not a good thing
it's a human thing - bloody emotions that get in the way
there are so many paths to take but which are the right ones
or are all of them the wrong ones?

what am i going to do
or can there anything to be done at all

T~T

i am hating IE right now.
it doesn't work when i want it to work
and firefox died on me i'm so sad
i even removed it and reinstalled it but no go
troublesome

-_-;

bloody birds and their damn babies. they can't shut up! especially when they are calling for food. what really sucks is that they live right above our windows. right above. on those stupid red tiles that are curved and a nice small hole for tiny birds to live in. which sucks big time!
and nothing seems to scare them away...
[sigh]
stupid birds waking me up when i don't want to be up.

cranky

it's rather annoying to be woken up with a start. especially when it was just a short nap. but everything seems to be suddenly loud when it really isn't. the littlest things seem like the loudest
it sucks because then other people would get pissed off people you are pissed off. troublesome really.

okay i take that back, some people are just loud especially in this house. and it's really hard to find some peace and quiet when everyone is home
and they wonder why i stay up late until everyone else is asleep
really...

brain fart?

it is indeed a weird word but today i was spaced out. which is bad since it was during work T~T
it happens all the time
and i think it affected some of my coworkers as well

strange day indeed

bummed?

the sadness. i could have saved five bucks, yes i know i'm cheap but i could have saved five bucks!
stupid V moda bling bling black
now costs 30 bucks. i bought it for 35. darn T~T
if i have only waited a few days.
[sigh] oh well

it cost less than before... i guess i'm saving something and the regular price is 50.
um.. right....

good times
weee can't wait 'til they come to replace my old ones, same ones, cost... [cough] 40

i lied

i lied and it made you cry
the things i said the things i've done
none of those can be erased or undone
if the truth comes out
then it'll only be worse
it will only get in the way
so i'll keep it all inside
until the day i die
or the day when i finally burst

answers? questions?

why can't i ever answer my own questions when the answers can only be found within myself?

-that seems awkward... whatever
i haven't been posting lately, not that anyone reads this. hahahaha. so sad but whatever.

i've been thinking a lot lately but no words seem to come out right and when they do i don't have anything to write it down so i can write it here.

troublesome it is. but it can't be helped.

future?

never knowing what will come
the future is stark
the end is near
something can be done
but not one dares to take one step
little action is being taken
greed has taken hold
truth be told
not all are willing to accept the truth
mother nature knows it
her children shows it
but not all acknowledge it

eyes

you can see my denial
you can see it in my eyes
eyes are the window to the soul
and you can see it all
wisdom comes with age
but knowledge is the key to it all
you can see it in my eyes
therefore you can see into my soul
i need not say one word
and you know it all
nothing escapes your eyes
not one drop of knowledge
your eyes pierces through lies
all cower from your eyes

uncertain

the future may bring many things
a cracked egg here
a broken glass there
a trip and fall
a bleeding heart and ache
no one knows what may come
i am uncertain of it all
dare i venture out to see it through
or shall i stay back and let the chance pass me by
i don't know what to do
what to say to make it right
what actions i must make
what leaps i must take
i am uncertain of it all
i am scared but i must make a choice
before it's too late

slip

fate has brought us together
i wonder why they did
there are so many others out there
but out of all of them
the fates have brought me you
everything happens for a reason
i don't know why this did
there is nothing between us
no influence at all
so why did i meet you
or was it all a slip of the thread

meaningless

i try to talk
but you just walk away
nothing i say
makes you happy
you ignore me
avoid me like the plague
how am i going to make this work
when you stay away
i've tried many times
you never tried at all
but this one time
i might just stop
where would that lead
where will we end up
is there nothing left of this relationship
where my efforts are meaningless
or is there no longer one

regret

i regret the day i met you
how you came into my life
at first it was all right
everything going smoothly
no bumpy roads along the way
but with time like all else
you changed
you are no longer who i thought you were
there are no connections between us
no ways of communication
no way of sharing anything at all
how are we to continue our relationship
when nothing goes on between
shall i give into the silence
or give up what we had

i can feel her unshed tears wash over me
she holds it back
but i can see them roll off her cheeks
the way her voice trembles
and how her lower lips quivers
her heart rate increasing
and grows louder with each beat
i can't bear to see her suffer
but i cannot say anything to help at all

disappointed

i did what you wanted
but where are you to collect
i wasted my time for you
i wasted my time on unproductive things
countless of hours gone to waste
i can't get back my time
to do what i need
not what you want
i should have spoken up
but i didn't want to disappoint you
but i instead was disappointed by you

never fade

praise should be kept for important moments
it brings good self esteem to one
but brings bad self esteem to all
broken spirits cannot be healed
not with time
not with all the care in the world
memories never fade
neither can broken hearts

you changed the way i see the sky
the luminescence of the stars
shine brightly in my eyes
the clouds that drift
change shape with time
the cumulonimbus forming above my head
precipitation freezing before it falls
crashing down to earth
melting before they hit below
or pooling around my toes as i walk
up and down
close and far
the sky tells all
no matter where you go
i wish to capture its beauty
but i know it isn't possible
beauty like that cannot be captured
it changes constantly
like how you changed me

a seconds notice

you charged
i ran for the curb
you gave me no warning until the last second
trouble is someone blocked my path
you almost ran me over
there are too many obstacles to overcome
my blood pumps
my heart races
i hit the curb and watch you charge away
my heart will not be still
you left me frustrated upset scared
with only a seconds notice

hold it tight

clutch it tight in your hand
don't let it go
try not to let it escape
its love will only last a lifetime
a little short of an eternity
hold it close to your heart
to show that you care
it may struggle in your arms
it hates control
but you need it
want it
yearn it
hold it close to your heart
never let it go
because it might escape
and you'll never find true love again

the bus

squeezed up, squeezed down
side to side and all around
no one cares where you go
because you are too small
to protest the cruel flesh upon your weak bones
never waning never gaining
never a single moment to yourself
pushes to the side pulled to the back
you can't fight that
your weak frame can only handle so much pressure
fighting back is not one of them
nails bared eyes flared
that makes no difference
a boot to the butt and you're out of there
squashed down flattened up
frail arms can't push back
flesh nothing but flab can't withhold the pressure
support your own and your stuff is enough
hold tight struggle through
you'll get off at your stop no matter what they do

lady luck

the stuff i want will never be
the stuff i need will always be out of reach
lady luck is never on my side
she hovers over others' shoulders
but never mine
how i envy those with her by their side
i wish to grab her
capture her
make her listen to my whims
but i know that is never right
nor do i have the ability to capture you
or to make you listen to my demands
how i envy those who she helps
luck granted on a whim
i wonder when she'll be by my side
but the chances seem to be slim

a prayer

i pray that you will not leave me
alone in the darkness
isolated from the light that you bring
with your dazzling smile and your cunning words
i fear that i will abuse your kindness
your laughter your light
i want you to stay with me
to help me overcome this creeping darkness
within the chambers of my heart
i like it when you watch over me
guide me away from isolation
by my own hand
life has given me you
and i will hold you to me
with what power i have
without you i would be unable to see the light
without you i will be unable to love again

your sufferings

i run my fingers through your thistles
i feel the pain of your fingers cutting through mine
the pokes and scratches i care not for
but for me to show you i care
everything needs touch no matter what you believe
you may be hurting me
but i am definitely helping you
my pain is nothing compared to yours

your words

i hear your words
but they do not transcribe in my mind
what you are spewing denounces all i know and hold dear
i hear your words
but they mean nothing to me
you say i don't have an open mind
but i can say the same for you
we are humans therefore we are bias
no matter what you may believe
i care not

i should

i want you to want me
to need me to love me
but i don't want to beg you
because then you will not appreciate me
you probably will never see me
but i don't want to give up
but i can see your eyes looking elsewhere
i should let you go
because i can never change your heart
i will get through it
i did get through it
there will probably be more like you
until i find one just for me

uncertainty

you come into a room
you look around
everyone is minding their own business
or chatting with a friend
not one is willing to notice
the big white elephant in the middle of the room
you stare at the primates
you stare at the elephant
what are you to do?
do you become one with the primates
or do you befriend the elephant?
be an outcast or a savior?
what will you decide?

why me?

why must you open yourself to me
i who have known you less than others
they say i am easy to talk to
that my immature self
attracts all the emotional ones
and they open themselves to me
not others who have known them forever
but me a mind disease
they have never seen my face
or heard my voice
they can only read my words
i say that i am a rug
this is what attracts them the most
they can walk all over me
then can dump their garbage on me
sweep it under anything
and i will take it all
but i don't wish to be an attraction
i want to have fun without worrying
without being dumped upon
but that will never be
because i'll always be me

by me

i can't bear to tell you the truth
it's not that i don't want to
it's because i can't
i fear if i tell you all
you will run away from me
never speak to me again
and i can't bear that
it frightens me that if i open up
you will close up
disappear from my sight
never to be heard or seen again
by me

there are many things i wish to tell you
things you may have never dreamed of
never thought of
never spoke of
how i wish to tell you but you are not ready
not ready to burst through the soil with your magnificent

but with time and care you will
but not now, you are not ready
when your blossom blooms
then i will tell you
and hope you will not turn away from me
by my words

who am i to tell you what to do

who am i to tell you what to do
everyone makes their own decisions
everyone does not exclude you
all humans have a choice
it is the others who want control
who beat you into submission
never doubt your own decisions
outcome be damned
who gives a shit about what other people say
listen to your own heart
don't ask me to decide for you
i only know so much
but for you life you know much more
who am i to tell you what to do
i am not the all wise knowing
i don't know any big words
or psychedelic talk
or any great phrases that influence your mind
i do not wish to be a mind disease
you may adapt my quirky words
or no nonsense noises
but that does not mean i can order you
am i that important to your life
even though i have known you less than others
i may make you laugh
i can definitely make you cry
but i never want to hurt you
to make decisions for you
that is just too much for me
i don't think i want that kind of responsibility
or deal with the consequences
who am i to tell you what to do

knowing....

society is ruled by the media
what you see there is what you do
how you react what to eat what not to
what to stare at what to want
what to want to need
the skimpier the better
the colder the hotter
skin showing
belly breast butt
nothing matters
as long as you are wanted by somebody
anybody who sees you as beautiful
to want you need you use you
if everyone knew everything
they would fear anything
too scared to venture out of their domain
brainwashed shocked mislead
technology is the key to the world
making humans more lazy
predicting the future no need to do anything
just waiting not finding self
searching for a purpose finding none
who are we to believe
who do we want to believe
who do we need to believe in
people forget we do not control our lives
mother nature and lady luck do

geological time

you told me that you loved me
my heart subducted
my lungs solidified
i feel explosive as if i were on top of a hot spot
i could not speak
the ground shook beneath me
the mantle moving, an earthquake forming
i could not breathe
we only met for an hour
an hour is a century of time
geological time, nothing so small can last long
but to me time had stopped
not one thing moved not one organism virus bacteria
i wanted to preserve this moment
in tree sap
so it is clear and beautiful
it will last forever
until a severe calamity befalls the earth
the solidification cracks erodes
time moves again
glaciers dissolving around everyone
wind directions change
organism reproduce divide
i have yet to give my answer
there is too much pressure
the plates shift stress is building
my lungs heart collide pushing at my sternum
what am i to say to you
we are only a dot on geological time
insignificant but to my heart you are so much more
you transform my mental state
the shear force of it pushes me off my axis
what am i to do
you cannot wait forever
we live we die we go extinct
asteroids meteors jolt the earth
i am pulled out of my revere
i give you my answer
i do not know
my love is just a theory not a law
not yet complete and believed by all
i do not want to hurt you
make you collapse collide with conflict
disorder entropy surrounds us
with time i may give you a definite answer
but not all things are definite
not all life is complete
we are still evolving
we have yet to discover everything life the earth has to give
with time we may come to understand
or we will just be a dot on the map of life
according to geological time