moved...

http://www.aimless-ponders.ucoz.com

so called . . . .

maybe it's this whole month, july, but i've been getting upset over the simplest things. just yesterday... i planned to have dinner with a couple of friends that i haven't seen for a while and then i call on and she thought it was canceled and the other arrived at the restaurant first with her other friend and calls me since i was running late to just have dinner another time.
i was already at the bart station when she called me to me all that.
i was being compliant but only because i asked: if that's what you want
i wasn't even close to home, i actually walked to the damn bart station because there was no fucking bus
so after that phone call i was out in the cold after a long hard walk
and hungry because i skipped dinner with the families since i thought i was going to have dinner with some friends
but i guess not
yippie right?
but then it's my fault for being late i suppose
but i thought people would wait
but that doesn't matter anymore

but then again... who wouldn't be upset?

to you who i no longer speak to

I’ve been contemplating as to whether to write you this letter but I suppose I owe you some sort of reason even though you didn’t think you owed me anything but rather a weak excuse the last time we met.

You were silent when we met, perhaps you knew you had at least done something wrong. People who are unaware of what they have done usually behave as though nothing is wrong. But you couldn’t even look me in the eyes and I could barely stare at you because of what I felt.
But it can’t really be fixed now since your weak excuses do not explain your actions.
But it’s very nice of you to spare one measly hour out of your busy schedule to see us. I guess that’s all you think we deserve
But it is what it is.

It’s not as though I haven’t been trying to contact you. I thought that maybe it would be easier to text you since the last phone call was left unanswered. But foolish me didn’t know you didn’t have text anymore. That left me hurt since I got no reply so I stopped but texted again, but I got nothing back.
I only found out you had none today…or rather, the last time we met from another friend. How am I supposed to know anything if you don’t tell me. you should know that I hate confrontations, being able to please someone is what I do. So it’s easier for me to write this all out rather than to say it in person.
So all I could do was complain to others.
But what has been eating me inside is why didn’t you try? Truth be told: I don’t like people who are too busy for their friends.

The thing is, I always find out things indirectly about you. Being your friend I thought you might tell me directly, instead of waiting two weeks to a month to tell me or not telling me at all.
So I had to go to other sources to find out since I haven’t heard from you for so long and got worried.
I must confess that everything I find out about you is from other people or your xanga.
[sigh] the silly online blog – you can waste a few minutes posting on that blog rather than leaving your long time friends a message. Sad indeed
curious me went through your blog and saw this little excerpt in the about me section stating that you feel that your coworkers understand you better than your own friends.

quite a blow to the heart, don’t you think?

If you wanted your friends to understand you better than perhaps you should have tried talking to us, communication works two ways and if you don’t tell us anything then how can we understand you ?
It has plagued my restless nights as to why you should say such a thing.
But perhaps you’re right. I don’t understand you. Maybe I don’t even know you and maybe I never will since people change and you don’t tell me anything at all
So farewell to you and this so called friendship.
I hope you all the best and hope we might never meet again under broken silence.

It’s very callous of my of telling you this way but at least I’m leaving you with something rather than nothing.

crappy days

even though i could be having the best days there's always something that ruins it
it could just be a mean customer here
or a unnecessary and inappropriate comment there
it would be better if i could get over that crappy moment but that rarely happens
why is that?

why can't we focus on the good things that happened in our day and forget about that one little bad thing?
why must we emphasis the bad more than the good?

or it is just me
because i'm already broken and weird like that

egg heads

creepy looking egg heads
there are seven in all at the ucd campus
but it was too hot and too far away to look for them all

good times xD

still eyes

you are the moon
what a beautiful sight
to me who lays in the middle
of the open plains
filled with the forget me nots
of the known world
that is guarded by the eyes
of the never blinking you
that holds a large part
of my non-beating heart

lost it

i'm losing it
i'm not part of anything
and yet i'm part of everything
there is nothing here for me
i can't go back or forward
i'm stuck in this moment
i've been stuck in this moment
for as long as i can remember
there are no helpings hands
or anyone to call out my name
everything moves forward but me
everything is gone from me

invisible

i don't call out
everyone passes me by
not sparing me a glance or a single thought
i'm invisible
i'm not there
but i take up a single space
where others dare not venture

i don't speak
no body notices me
but i notice everything
i feel sadness from their happiness
and joy at their sufferings
but i'm invisible
and they don't care
my speculations go unnoticed
and they dare not venture to where i go

fade

you're fading too soon
nobody knows
you don't want anyone to notice
you bear the pain
you watch time pass by
alone in the dark
your scenery never changes
in the sleepless nights
you want to fly or to fall
staring out the window
you're fading away
fading away

and losing yourself

will

i got a letter in the mail from St. Anthony's about if i would be kind enough to add them in my will so they can reap some benefits somewhere
i didn't read the whole article
but it was enough heh
and i'm thinking, wow... a will. do i need one?
isn't this a bit gloomy for them to ask to be added into a will
when i'm still young?

is it foreseeing something?
should i make a will

on another thought
do i actually OWN anything?

so sad =(

lol

good bye cruel world?

thanks

thanks for not telling me something so important
that i had to hear it from someone else

and now onto something completely different
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
a breath of fresh air
heartens the morning day
and washes the ashy grey
that stunted the health of your face

the first step clears away the fuzz
the second step opens the eyes
and makes it see and believe
what the world has to belie

a breath of fresh air
opens up the morning day
to give light to the dusk
that leads on the grey
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

she sleeps deeply by the bay
her hair growing longer day by day
her mind reaches beyond the seas of time
searching for his touch
where their hearts and mind intertwine

she stands by the shore
calling out his name
so they can continue in the game of love
to make their heart and mind only one
until the ends of time

she stares towards the setting sun
glistening across the sea
she reaches for his hands touching only his heart
their hands intertwine while their gaze cross lines

walking slowly along the beach
side by side, all across time

i can say that i thought today was going to be just fine
i really thought that today was going to be a nice day
everything was flowing nicely
and things were happening just great
there were a few rough spots
but i got pass them
nothing like 100 customers in just an hour
and a shit load of packing to do

i honestly thought that today was going to be nice
but boy was i wrong
it's the shits
but only because i brought it on myself
i went and checked it out myself
and only a few people know what i've been complaining about mostly these past weeks
lol...
yea.. it's the shits

it would have been better if i remained in the dark
but i guess it's too late
i thinks it's best if i put this behind me and delete everything that related to it =]
for the sake of my... something. iono
yea.. it's the shits

fresh air

a breath of fresh air
heartens the morning day
and washes the ashy grey
that stunted the health of our faces

the first step clears away the fuzz
the second step opens the eyes
and makes it see and believe
what the world belies

a breath of fresh air
opens up the morning day
to give light to the dusk
that leads on the grey

lettin' go

perhaps it is time to give up since no matter what i do i don't get the results that i want
i've been talking to a few people about this problem and i don't think i can care to do anything anymore
it's hard to leave given the history but i can't take this anymore
no matter how hard i try or how many messages i leave i get nothing back
sometimes i think that we, friends, don't matter anymore

but i understand
that's all right, i'll live, maybe
i have others to lean on and support


it's a beautiful day
don't let it get away
it's a beautiful day

i've been getting into the habit of staying up late and waking late as well
which sucks because i lose time to do everything else
and what is this everything else? not much

i just need some motivation to actually do something
anything
i don't find the things i used to do fun anymore

where did all the time go?

given time

given time we will all grow to live again
given time we will be independent and strong
some are given more time than others
and some are not given enough time to grow

how do we know if we have enough time
or is that something we decide for ourselves
what we take from time
is what time gives back

hard

it's the hardest thing i'll ever have to do...
to look you in the eye
and tell you i don't care anymore

because i do care
and i can't stop caring

why must it be so difficult?!?!

why!?!?!?!?!?!?

lies

my life is filled with lies
how am i to confront those liars if i'm too scared of the consequences
or when will they stop lying to me
because i know the truth but what will happen after?

i don't know anymore
when will people start speaking out
i tried to reach out but they don't respond
so where am i to go from here?

rug

i no longer have a rug
what is a rug?
a rug is a person or thing.. if you want . . that you tell your problems to
you dump your garbage on your rug
or let your rug hide your dirty little secrets

i no longer have a rug
and i don't know where to get a new one
or maybe i have a new one and just don't know it
or maybe it's just some random rug
or an occasional rug
or maybe i just don't have one

i need a new rug dammit !
too many things in my head that i don't have any rug to tell it to

wherefore art thou my rug =(

clubs

i checked out the club just to see how it was like
i had an idea about what it was like but never ventured out to see how it was
and i have come to a conclusion that i never want to go again
lol

even people who know me didn't think i would come to a club
lots of bumping and grinding and lots of indecency going on
i think i'm just fine with bars and just lounging

or maybe i'll get out of my shell one day and mingle with the crowd
who knows
or maybe i'll need to get really drunk for that to happen

huh...

why do certain things happen at certain times?

why do people hurt others unintentionally?
or am i just too sensitive to the stupidest things...

who knows

this is how it is

those in need reach out
but if they aren't understood
or if they don't hear the things they want to hear
they go back to their depressing self
they blame everything and everyone for their current state
but most of all they blame themselves for what has happened
to give this problem a solution is to get rid of the source
which is themselves
if they did not exist then they would not have experienced all of this
or make others feel this way
if they did not exist it wouldn't hurt this much
if they didn't exist, people wouldn't suffer the way they are now

this is how they think
this is how they feel
this is how it is

-the nights-

here's to the nights
that we stayed together
since our time fades
when the morning glory
hits the earth's surface
here's to the nights
when we laughed together
until tears came to
our crinkling dark eyes
that have seen many
but witnessed so much
here's to the nights
we felt so alive
here's to the love
our friendship has survived

-falling-

i am hanging on a rope that you
left for me on this crumbling rock
when i was in need but
i made things get rough and you
couldn't hold up the great
burden that i was on
your limiting power and
strength so please
forgive me when i decide it is time for
me to let go and fall

- - -

who knew i would see you so soon
after the damage you have caused
at the heart of all things
the destruction you caused at the center
broke every fragment that once held
the memories we shared
not only do our brain hold memories
but objects that we have infused out time with
you broke everything
leading to the destruction you brought
when they followed you home
you ran because of fear
fear that took over your senses
and broke everything inside of me

sad ness/lol

i miss my books.
i lent them out
and now i'm never going to see them again
=_=
mother trucker. . . .

curse you!! [shakes fist]

another note
it's not every day when your boss pretends to be someone else on the phone. . . especially a woman's voice
i have never laughed so hard in my life

the new year

the new year is the same, nothing has changed
same place same job same people, okay i lied. not the same people but close to... kind of...
um.... yea... ok. same place same job different people. at least sometimes.
have i accomplished anything?
mmm not quite
am i going to have any resolutions?
nope, i'm all talk and no do
only sometimes though. most of the time i'm too lazy
what do i have to look forward to in this new year?
nothing.

but hurray. we have gotten through another year without blowing up the planet
quite an accomplishment [claps hands]
maybe that's why people "celebrate" any by celebrating i mean getting drunk and does who knows what.
hurray for humanity