[breathe]

i don't know why i feel so betrayed, it's just a simple act and then i feel like this. my heart clenched and i could not breathe. i don't know what is happening to me and i don't think i can stop it. where are these feelings coming from? negative thoughts are resurfacing again and i don't think i can stop them. i don't want them to resurface and relive these feelings of despair. i don't want to not breathe and have my tears threaten to come up but they won't fall. perhaps that is why my eyes hurt so much because of all the tears i have yet to cry. perhaps that is why i never wake up feeling relieved and painless and refreshed. perhaps that is why i am returning back to my old ways. it is not a vice that threatens my physical health but my mental health. but it's the only way i know.
at least there i can breathe and my heart will slowly unclench. memories will pop in and out and i will relive despair but it won't hurt as much. i wish i could let go of the pain but it is a part of me. one of these days i will explode. i don't wish for it to come any time soon but it will if i keep this up. and perhaps i will since i have no other outlet. my outlets seem to disappear on me and there is no way of reaching them anymore when i am in the time of need. sometimes i can't even bring myself to says what is really bothering me. it's not much of a trust issue it's more of a shame issue. i fear to open up and show what i am truly feeling in fear of being weak. but i know that is bullshit but i can't help the way i think. everyone has their weaknesses but sometimes i fear to admit mine. i know what they are but i don't want to acknowledge them. but who knows now that i am in this state of mind. who knows what will happen next.
perhaps i do but there are always external influences that will alter my mental state.

not quite in a stable position right now
but people wouldn't know unless they read this and not many people or if anyone at all reads this. and i won't say anything because tears will threaten to pool but not fall

-fate heart and soul-

I played with the heart of the feelings within
I wish I can run away but my feet are glued to the ground
from the souls I have questioned
I was distracted by the heavy heads
mistaken by the eyes of fate
they will come upon me
fire burning bright in their eyes
justice on their minds
even though it is a crime
they will come crashing down upon me
righting what they think is wrong
hundreds upon thousands will fall upon me
hundreds upon millions will feel the effect of the gravity of their message
consequences will not enter their minds
rage and beserked hearts have no questions for doubt
blood pumping into muscles throb
vocal cords strain at each war cry
distant at first coming close with each step
anticipation and fear trickle down my back
carving lines for rivers along my spine
wait for the beats of their drums as they mingle with the stomping feet and hooves
I, rooted to the earth, have no weapon in hand
just the clothes on my back
no armor just think clothes protecting me only from the deadly rays of the sun
it soaks in the rivers from my pores
clinging to my skin and let the cold winds caress my air
they know where to find me since they come from all directions
crossing through oceans and deserts to get to where I am now
in the middle of open spaces
the grass blows against my legs
weeds prick my skin but still I do not move
there is nowhere to go
no place for me to stay
they will not rest until they complete their quest
they will not cool off until my life coats their hands
until my blood soaks the earth
they will not stop until I am no longer of this earth
not one of my existence will survive the aftermath of my death
not one thing I ever was will flicker in the open
not to leave one trace of me
they will come with their heads held high and their eyes so sharp
they will make me feel what they have felt when I questioned their soul
they will torture my existence until their eyes fill with job
until they grow mad with revenge
blood thirsty lots that they are
they will come down upon me until their fury pierce thorugh my body
riddling it with holes until there was just one great one that will grow into nothing
they will tear at my skin and pull at my hair
each and every one of them wanting a piece of me
they will jerk out my heart and hold it up high for all to see
see how the feelings of life leak from this heart
a symbol of how I messed with their heart and now they will mess with mine
they will place it in a cage
and hang it from a pole
parading from sea to sea
to show off their victory
on a person such as me
they will cover the cage with cement
toss it into the dead sea
so that my soul will never find my heart
so I will wander the realm of the spirits never to resurrect again
that is what they hope
their feets approach mine now
crashing hundreds upon thousands on me
war cries clog my ears
raged filled eyes cloud mine
they do to me what they will
they will cry out their reason to justify their plight
my heart sinks into the sea
but I am not dead
for someone will find me
my heart and soul will meet again
a heart without a soul has no meaning
they need each other in order to live on in the world
fate will join us again to rectify her folly
we will not be as foolish as we once were
we will learn from our mistakes
and we will walk the earth again

sometimes

sometimes i don't feel like trying anymore
this is one of those times
and i don't think i can try anymore
i feel like giving up

-reach-

reach for the heavens
the tips of fingers caress the clouds
hopeful for the days to come
for a better life and a bigger heart
wish for the probable
some the impossible
wish to be given and yet taken
happy thoughts mournful thoughts
filter up to the heavens
mixing into one

reach for the heavens
to be given salvation
blasphemy spew out the mouth
why have you forsaken me
what have i done to deserve this
wanting help hoping hard
needing a miracle
some given some none
tears of joy splash the face
eyes of fury clench the fist
bursting heart empty hole blank hands

reach for the heavens
for what you believe